


To Protect

by Rawrlove19



Category: Janoskians
Genre: Depression, Panic Attacks, Twins, fight, insecure, jai changes a lot, jai starts out over-protective of luke, jai stops talking, luke is uncaring, unloved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-09-28 17:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10141670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: Jai had always been over-Protective of Luke, but does Luke care about Jai as much as Jai cares about him? The answer is no. One day, Jai realizes this and his world comes crashing down.





	1. Chapter 1

The boys and I were once again filming a DareSundays video. Everything was going fine until I slipped over Beau's vomit and hit my head on the concrete. I blacked out for a couple seconds before sitting up very disoriented. My head was swimming and I could barely tell up from down. I slowly stood up and made my way back inside the house without anyone noticing. Nobody ever noticed when I was hurt, but I know my friends love me. I just know it.

I got an ice pack out of the freezer and made my way back outside. The other three boys were seemingly carrying on like they didn't even notice I was gone. That was until Luke tripped and fell into the pool.

"Luke!" I screamed, "Are you okay!?" I dragged my twin out of the water, thoroughly inspecting him for any injuries. It was kind of difficult considering I most likely have a concussion, and Luke's slap across the face wasn't really helping things. 

Wait a second...Slap?

"Luke, hey, why'd you slap me?" I asked offended. I helped him, yet he slapped me. Really?

"You made me look like a wimp on camera, Jai. I was fine, you didn't have to save me." He screamed at me. I felt tears rising up, but I forced them back down. Luke loves me, I know he does. I heard Beau and Daniel snickering off to the side, but I chose to ignore them because my head was still swimming.

"You know what I've noticed?" Daniel suddenly asked to no one in particular. "Jai is always really protective of Luke, but Luke honestly couldn't even care if Jai were to die. Kinda sad really."

I glanced at Luke, waiting for him to deny Daniel's claim, but he made no move to do so. He just turned the camera off, obviously deciding that this DareSundays was an ultimate fail. It made me think, though. Does Luke even love me?

I lowered my eyes to ground and walked inside. Hamlet immediately greeted me at the door, but I just wasn't in the mood. If Luke, my twin brother doesn't love me, then do any of them actually want me around? I'm starting to think the answer to that question is NO. 

I was so lost in my thoughts that I never noticed the knock on my door. I jump when Luke is in my room, waving a hand in my face. 

"Is anyone even in there?" Luke joked. I forced a smile on my face and nodded my head.

"Yeah, sorry. Did you need something?" I asked and hoped that Luke had actually came to check on me.

"I was looking for my Laptop." Luke chuckled. My smile fell for a split second before I plastered it back on my face.

"You left it in Beau's room, remember?" I supplied, trying to hold tears back. Luke looked at me strangely before leaving the room in search of his laptop. 

He confirmed what I was denying in less than five minutes. It was true. My twin did not care one bit about me. What should I do now?

I covered my mouth and silently let my tears flow out. I decided I needed to just stop. I need to become cold and uncaring, and the sad part of it is that no one can stop me. No one wants to.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up the next morning feeling emotionally drained, but that was okay. I couldn't deal with anyone anyways. I walked downstairs and was immediately met with an energetic Beau.

"Jye-Jye!" He screeched hugging me. Beau has got to be the most annoying person in the world. Normally I would have told him off for mispronouncing my name, but I didn't have the energy to this time. Instead I just pushed him off of me and walked into the kitchen. "Jai?" I heard him question from behind me, but I ignored him. He's just upset he didn't get to harass me first thing in the morning.

Luke was sitting at the table eating some cereal when I entered the kitchen. I felt tears in my eyes at the sight of my twin, but I forced them back down. I walked past Luke and got a protein shake out since the thought of food suddenly disgusted me. I walked past him again and noticed him staring at me expectantly. What, was I that clingy and annoying?

"Um, Jai?" Luke questioned after I blatantly ignored him. It kind of hurts that he expects me to care about him, but he can't even say good morning to me first.

"What Luke?" I asked in a frustrated tone.

"Did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" He jokes, but it just caused my irritation to grow.

"Not like you would care anyway." I mumble more to myself than to him.

"What's that supposed to mean, Jai?" Luke was outraged. Probably because I called him out on something.

"Nothing. I'm going to the gym." I leave before he can even respond.

Once I get to the gym, I let out all of my anger. I don't know exactly how long I went at it, but by the time I'm done I know that several hours have passed. I didn't even mean to stay longer than an hour. We were supposed to be filming a video today, and I doubt the boys waited for me.

My stomach growled and drug my attention to the fact that I hadn't eaten at all and that I was in desperate need of food. I quickly headed to the nearest McDonalds and got some food and then headed home. 

"Where were you?" Beau screamed at me when I walked through the door. I guess they actually noticed I wasn't there for the video.

"Dunno." I responded sarcastically, knowing it would set him off. 

"I don't have time for you, right now. If you would have bothered to check your phone than maybe you would know that Luke got knocked out today during the video you forgot to show up for! He ended getting in a fight with some dude and it didn't go too well for him."

"And?" I ask coldly. On the inside I was freaking out at the fact my twin was hurt, but I chose to push it away. I couldn't let him hurt me anymore. I had to push him away so that I wasn't so pathetic anymore.

"What's up with you today?" Beau rounded on me. "When you passed out in Germany, Luke was by your side as soon as possible! Can't you at least show him the same compassion?"

"That's funny! I remember him just being there so he could make jokes about me dying to the crowd. I'm normal, Beau. You're the one being weird." I defended myself. At least I know for sure who the favorite twin is now. Beau glared at me before sighing in defeat.

"Can you at least go comfort him, Jai. You're his twin and he needs you."

"No!" I hadn't meant to scream it like that, but I did. Beau was shocked a little at the sudden scream. For the most part I'm extremely quiet and I don't blow up like that often.

"You know what?" Beau clenched his jaw, "Don't talk to either of us until you decide to quit being such a jerk."

After Beau left the room, my tears started to fall heavily. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I never meant to make Beau hate me. People are always asking me and Luke who Beau likes better, and now I finally know the answer.

-

"Are you still mad at me for no reason?" Luke chuckled later that night.

"I'm not mad at you." I admit scrolling aimlessly through my twitter feed. It was true. I wasn't mad at Luke. I was just disappointed. I was also feeling kind of neglected. Not once has he asked me, 'Are you okay, Jai?'. He just doesn't care.

"Then what's your problem?" Luke asked frustrated with me. I sighed before forcing a smile on my face. I guess I took everything a bit overboard.

"I'm sorry. Things have just been rough for me today." I admit to him.

"Well, get over it. You can't miss videos like that. I could of died today!" Luke joked. Of course, he didn't even ask me what was wrong.

"Yeah." I agreed before getting up and walking to my room. I made it as far as the hallway before I felt a panic take over me. No one knows about my panic attacks. I haven't had one in years, but each time is just as scary as the first. What makes it worse is that I have no one to help me through them. I used to cuddle with Luke when we were younger, but now he hates me even hugging him so that's impossible.

I Hurriedly ran to my room and crouched down onto the floor and started to hyperventilate. Why do I have to be this stupid? I should of never treated Luke that way. It's always been this way between us so why change things? I must of passed out at some point, because my world slowly started to turn black.


	3. Chapter 3

"Can't you understand that we hate you, Jai?" Luke snickered. 

"Yeah, Jai! We just take pity on you because you're our little brother and we promised Mum we'd look after you!" Beau chuckled.

"To tell the truth I think we'd all be better off without you." Daniel admitted in a serious tone.

I couldn't think properly. I could barely even breathe. I felt like i had nobody. Nobody cared. Nobody even wanted me.

"What are you even doing here, Jai. Just go home to Australia and save us the embarrassment!" The three boys seemed to chorus.

I woke up with a gasp. It was a dream. A horrible dream. A horrible dream that happened to be true.

I stood up from my bedroom floor and plopped down on my bed. I always got pretty shaken up after I pass out from panic attacks. I don't even try to fall asleep again. I just don't want to face this day. 

I was a jerk yesterday and nothing can change that. I was so angry with everyone that I let myself sink down to their level. I'm so ashamed of myself right now.

I eventually convince my body to make its way out of my room and am greeted by the sound of laughter. I know I have to be a better person today, so I walk to the kitchen and try to eat some cereal. 

It's still kind of hard to breathe but I somehow manage to walk there in a decent amount of time. 

Luke, Beau, and Daniel are so caught up in their conversation that they don't even notice me come into the room. 

That makes me feel great.

"Jai!" Daniel screamed, scared when he turned to find me sitting next to him. "When did you walk in?"

"Just a few minutes ago." I force out quietly.  I see Beau glaring at me from the corner of my eye. 

"Are you done being a jerk?" He asked sharply and I nodded back. I was still messed up from my dream and didn't feel like talking much. "Words, Jai! Use your words!"

"M'Sorry." I let out, playing with my cereal. I had yet to take a bite, and Beau was making it even worse. 

"Are you talking to me, Jai. Kinda hard to tell with you burning holes in your bowl." Beau snarled. I swear my brother was the real jerk in the room. 

Suddenly, I saw a fat tear fall down into my bowl. I didn't even know I had started to cry, but now I couldn't stop. 

"Is the baby crying?" Daniel teased. I swear they don't care at all. 

Now that I had started crying, I couldn't stop. I quickly stood up and left the room before they could say anything else. I didn't need anything else.  
-  
"Hey." Luke greeted walking into my room. "We need to film a TwinTalkTime video. We haven't done one in forever." 

"Okay. " I nodded my head. I really didn't feel like it, but I didn't want to start another argument. Luke quickly set up his camera as I sat there glaring at my hands. 

"Hey guys we're TwinTalkTime." We chorused. Then Luke started to explain our video. Apparently, he decided we were having another Q&A video. I zoned out for the first couple questions and just let Luke read them. Then Luke read out a question that got to me.

"What do you guys think of panic attacks? Everyone I know calls me a wimp for getting them -Isobel." My head shot up at this question. Should I answer it and risk Luke finding out about mine? Then again, Luke probably won't care anyway. 

"Anyone can get panic attacks." I started and Luke shot me a look. "It may even surprise you that the most seemingly strong person you know could get them. It's not a weakness to get them, you just have to push through when you do and try to stay positive."

"But what do we know?" Luke joked, effectively ruining my mini-speech. "We're just two boys from Australia!"

He went on to the next question, but I could only sit there. I don't even know why I was worried. He obviously didn't care enough to notice. I felt a tear slip down my cheek, so I quickly put my head down.

"Say something, already!" Luke suddenly yelled, causing me to jump. 

"What?" I question, making it obvious I hadn't been paying attention to the   
question. 

"Were you even listening, Jai?"

"Sorry, not really."

"Well, apparently some of the fans think you're depressed. I had asked you to tell them you're fine, but you didn't even react. Plus, you've barely said anything this entire video. I feel almost like it's a Vlog video instead of a TwinTalkTime video."

"I'm sorry, Luke." I whispered out. 

"Whatever. Let's just do an outro and I'll edit that question out."

-  
Later that night, I was walking into the kitchen when I heard Luke and Beau talking about me. 

"Honestly, I don't know what his problem is. I almost don't want to post the video we made." Luke was saying. 

"Don't worry about it. It will only show the fans how much of a jerk he's being." Beau joked. 

"Yeah, but- I don't know. Some of them love him more than life itself. They'll probably blame me for his attitude. I don't really care what his problem is, but I'm sick of it!"

That last comment hurt really bad. I felt my palms start to sweat and my heart start to race, but this time there was no time to run to my room before the hyperventilating set in. 

I slid down to the floor and held my head in my hands as I tried to breathe. None of my usual tricks to control my breathing were working. I started panicking even more. 

"Jai?" Daniel was suddenly at my side, but he was way too close. 

"N-n-no! D-d-don't t-touch me!" I struggled to get out. 

"Jai you need to calm down!" Daniel ordered. "If you don't start breathing soon, you're going to end up hurting yourself." 

"N-no!" I screamed. I did not want to be touched. I did not want Daniel to know about this. I never wanted anyone to know about this.  I start to pull my hair, trying to ground myself, but my arms were pulled down and restrained. I look up and see a bewildered Beau. I guess all of the screaming got his and Luke's attention because the last thing I see before I black out is the petrified face of my twin brother.


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up on the couch with my head in Luke's lap. He was lazily running his fingers through my hair, offering a small amount of comfort. That was weird, Luke never comforts me. He doesn't even care. I quickly try to sit up, but then fall back down at the sudden dizziness I had.

"Oh you're awake." Luke let out in surprise. 

"Yeah." I mumble and try to sit up again, but Luke pushes me back down. 

"If you're too dizzy to even sit up, then just keep laying here." Luke said. "You really scared me Jai. What happened? You're usually so calm, but all of the sudden you have a panic attack..."

"It's not all of the sudden." I admit in a moment of weakness. "I've been getting panic attacks for years. I'm just always alone when I deal with them."

"Jai..." Luke's eyes are wide and I can't take the way he's looking at me.

"Let go of me Luke. I'll be fine. I just needed a minute." I felt tears spring into my eyes and knew I needed to get away before it was too late. Luke doesn't care, he even admitted it to Beau.

"I'm not letting go, Jai. Whether you want to admit it or not, there's something wrong with you. You haven't been yourself in a couple months and it has to stop. We need to obviously talk about this, because all you have been doing lately is shutting people out." Luke held onto me tighter in his lap, his eyes fierce. My tears started to flow out by the time he stopped talking and his eyes softened. "Why are you crying, Jai? I know you're mad at me, but that's no reason to cry.

"Luke, stop!" I started to cry harder. "Just stop. Why would there be something wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me. I just realized some things and now I feel so stupid and pathetic and like I shouldn't even be here..." I trailed off when my sobs started to prevent me from talking. I hadn't meant to say any of that to Luke, but I had.

"Jai, look at me!" Luke snapped. "I don't know what's going on with you. I'm not going to even pretend I do. What I do know is that you're none of those things. You're part of the Janoskians and you always will be."

"Am I really though? Maybe I should just quit and go back to Australia where I belong..." I trailed off. 

"Why would you want to quit?"

"I don't know. I just...maybe it's for the best."

"You are not quitting! Without you there is no TwinTalkTime!"

Of course that's what Luke was worried about. Making stupid videos. I had almost started to believe that he had started to care about me. I was just stupid. Luke will never care.

-

"So Luke tells me you want to quit the Janoskians." Beau states. He had cornered me on the couch when Luke had to get up to go to the bathroom.

"I don't want to quit, but it's not like you guys need me here." I decided to be honest with Beau once and for all.

"Jai, we don't need you to make videos, but we do want you in them. Are you okay? I thought you were just being a jerk before, but now I'm not so sure." Beau looked at me carefully. It almost seemed like he cared.

"I'm just struggling with something right now, you wouldn't understand." I covered my eyes with my arm just as Luke walked back into the room. He lifted my head up and sat down with my head in his lap again.

"What aren't I understanding, Jai?" Beau questioned. "You have to let me in. I don't know if you're aware of it or not, but what you had earlier wasn't just a normal panic attack. It was a severe panic attack. You freaked out when Daniel was just trying to get you to breathe regularly."

"I don't want to talk about it." I turned my head and buried my head into Luke's stomach, savoring the comfort I never receive from him. His fingers started to slowly play with my hair once again.

"You know how frustrating you're being right now, Jai?" Beau was angry. "We care about you, but you're just being the same selfish jerk you always are!" His words hit me deeply. They don't care about me. They never noticed the times I got depressed and locked myself inside my room. They never noticed those times I silently cried myself to sleep at night. They're only noticing now because it's affecting them now. I heaved a shuddering sob and couldn't help the tears that escaped my eyes and wet Luke's shirt.

"Beau that's enough!" Luke said sharply. "Just leave him alone for now. It's too late for an argument." I'm pretty sure that was the first time Luke had ever gotten Beau off my back. I started to cry even harder, but Luke didn't say a thing about my tears. My personality has always clashed with Beau's, but usually people just laugh at the stuff he says to me.

We usually get along for the most part, but somtimes he'll call me a 'Psycho' or he'll tell me to 'Go join a screamo band'. It's just Beau. Luke never calls him off of me, he just laughs along.

"Do you think it bothers Beau that I can be a bit...I don't know...emo?" I ask Luke curiously, turning to look up at him.

"I don't think it bothers him so much as he doesn't know how to handle you." Luke looked down at me. "You can be pretty sensitive sometimes and we don't really know how to handle you."

"Oh." I let out thoughtfully.

"See, we make you mad without meaning to."

"I'm not mad, Luke. The only one that ever makes me mad is Beau." I didn't dare bring up about Beau calling me selfish. I know that both of my brothers think I'm selfish. It's always been that way. I care so much about them, but they just think I'm a selfish jerk.

I let out a sigh. I don't know why Luke suddenly decided he needed to comfort me, but it's all just a huge lie. I needed to get out. Before Luke could stop me, I got up and ran to my room and quickly locked the door behind me.

Luke never followed after me.


	5. Chapter 5

It's been a couple months since my brothers found out about my anxiety and panic attacks, and if possible I've grown even quieter without even trying to. Daniel has become my quiet supporter, but even he has started to grow tired of my attitude. 

We have an interview with a local radio station today, so Beau's been on my case about being natural and not messing anything up.

"- do you understand, Jai?" Beau had apparently been saying something to me but I hadn't been listening to him.

"What?" I ask much to Beau's annoyance. He started screaming gibberish and Luke started laughing at him while Daniel went to go calm him down.

"Sometimes, I just love how scatterbrained you can be!" Luke chuckled.

"Yeah." I shot him a fake smile. Since I had that panic attack that day I've been trying harder to act like I used to when it's just Luke and me around. I feel horrible for the way I acted. I basically acted like he was the one that needed to change when it was really me. I needed to be a better person, or quit being a selfish jerk as Beau puts it.

"If you're not feeling up to it, then you don't have to do this interview today." Luke acted nervous about his words. 

"What? I'm fine, Luke. Of course, I'm going to this interview." I was confused at my twin's odd behavior.

"It's just that there's this hashtag trending on twitter right now..." he trailed off.

"What hashtag?" I'll admit I'm basically dead on my social media lately so I haven't really been paying much attention.

"#FixJai. Look don't worry about it. It's probably just some haters trying to give us bad publicity."

"Yeah. Bad publicity." I quickly agreed, but I was dying on the inside. The fans had started to notice that there was something wrong with me but my brothers still hadn't.

-

"So this question is for Jai!" One of our interviewers, I think her name was Jenna, announced happily. I had been zoned out for 90% of our interview so far, but the use of my name got my attention. "What do you think about the teens on twitter recently, #FixJai?" 

"I..." I could practically feel Luke wanting to face palm next to me. "I don't really know anything about it. I've been kind of busy lately and haven't had a chance to really get on twitter much." Beau's jaw clenched at my answer and I could tell he didn't really want to focus on this question more than we had to.

"Oh." Jenna blushed. "Well basically a lot of your fans are declaring their support to you since you seem to be extremely depressed lately."

"Well, I'm perfectly fine and happy so there's absolutely nothing that anyone needs to worry about." I assured her, smiling brightly.

"Good to hear!" She replied in her bubbly voice before moving on.

-

I left the room and headed to the car as soon as I possibly could. The interview was tense after I answered Jenna's question, and I just knew that Beau was mad at me. Anymore, he's always getting mad at me and I'm just so tired of dealing with it. 

"Jai, wait up!" I heard Daniel call from behind me. Great. Just what I needed.

"What is it, Daniel?" I asked, smiling. He gave me a skeptical look, but then shook it off.

"I'm just wondering if you are." I had no clue what he was talking about. I stared at him blankly.

"If I'm what? You'll have to elaborate a little there, Daniel. I don't quite know what you mean."

"Are you depressed, Jai? I mean it makes sense. A lot of sense actually. You barely talk anymore. You have panic attacks. You keep crying when you think no one can hear you. You've even been shutting Luke out lately, and he's practically your other half."

"No he's not. We're not as close as we used to be, and Luke doesn't even care about me anymore."

"Jai, you know that's not true." Daniel's eyes were sad and I quickly realized it was a mistake telling him anything.

"I know. I was just messing with you and it worked!" I laughed, sticking my tongue out at him. His eyes immediately went from sad to angry.

"That's just cruel, Jai. I knew you could be heartless, but this is a new low. Even for you." Daniel spat out at me. I quickly jumped into the car just as Luke and Beau made their way over to us.

"What's going on here?" Beau questioned, noticing Daniel's anger.

"Nothing important, right Daniel?" I cover for myself, knowing Daniel wouldn't disagree with me.

"Yeah. Jai was just being his usual self." 

I started tapping anxiously on my knee as Beau started to drive back to the house. I feel like I'm ruining my entire life, but the bad thing is that I can't stop and I can only blame myself.

-

Later on, I was at the gym throwing all of my anger out onto a punching bag. I don't know what to do anymore, but I know that something needs to change.

"Jai?" I turn around to see Beau staring at me with a look of concern. Funny, since I made him hate me.

"Hey Beau." I greet and then return to taking my anger out on the punching bag.

"No, Jai. You've done enough. You're going to kill yourself if you keep this up for much longer. Working out is good and all, but know when to stop." Beau berated me, going into big- brother mode.

"I'm fine...Just need to go a little more." I argued.

"Jai listen to me. I dont know what to do anymore. You won't tell me what's wrong, so I can't fix it." Beau tried again.

"Nothing's wrong." I tried to convince him.

"We both know that's not true. You're isolating yourself, Jai. Even the fans are starting to notice. They're worried and so am I. Isolating yourself isn't exactly healthy."

"M'not isolating myself." This is Beau. He wouldn't notice something was wrong if it hit him in the face.

"Keep telling yourself that, Jai. Just realize I'm here when you finally come to your senses."

"Whatever." I blow him off and try to go back to what I was doing, but Beau  stopped me again.

"You're going home right now, so don't even think about it. You're going to end up hurting yourself if you go much longer."

I didn't want to, but I decided to listen to him so there wasn't another argument.


	6. Chapter 6

Daniel refuses to talk to me now, but I brought it on myself. I've tried apologizing to him but nothing works. He just keeps acting like nothing exists, but the good thing is that the hashtag stopped trending. I think the fans are still suspicious but I've already denied it so there's not much they can do. 

Beau hasn't been as harsh since that day at the gym. I think he was probably just frustrated with me, but who wouldn't be. I'm a hot mess and I screw everything up. 

Luke is still as oblivious as ever, but that's something that will never change.

-  
I know I need to find a way to cope better, so I was on my laptop googling coping methods when one caught my attention. 

Self-harm. 

Should I try it? I knew that if anyone found out, then even Luke would be upset with me. I decided to google self-harm itself. 

"Hey Jai, have you seen-" Luke walked in and started to ask me, but I cut him off by slamming my laptop shut.  "What were you doing that you don't want me to see?"

"Um, Nothing." I know it's a very bad excuse, but I never hide what I'm doing from Luke.

"Really now?" Luke narrowed his eyes at me and snatched my laptop before I could stop him.

"Luke, No! Don't!" I yelled, but it was too late. He had already seen what I had been googling. I covered my mouth with my hand as he rounded on me angrily. 

"What is this, Jai?!" He screamed. "Is this what you've been doing to yourself whenever you're locked away in your room."

"No." I shook my head. Luke always scares me when he gets this angry, so I couldn't form a better response. 

"Show me your wrists then, Jai. Prove it to me." Before I could respond, Luke grabbed my arms and yanked up my sleeves. "Thank goodness." He whispered, hugging me and it was then I felt how hard he was shaking. 

"Luke..." I let out.

"No, Jai!" Luke exclaimed shakily. "Why were you googling this? You need to tell me, now!"

"I was just..." I sighed and buried my face in Luke's shoulder. "I was thinking of trying it out. It seems like it helps a lot of people, so maybe it isn't really as bad as it seems.

"If you even consider trying it," Luke's hold on me got tighter. "I will personally kill you for being so stupid! Why would you even think about that?!"

"I don't know what else to do." I admit. I know Luke doesn't really care about most of the stuff I do, but I couldn't help but to admit this.

"Jai, are you depressed?" Luke's eyes have a different look to them.

"No, of course not!" I deny. "Is this about that hashtag, because that hashtag is just crazy."

"No it's about you looking up ways to hurt yourself. You have to be pretty depressed to do that." Luke countered. "Look, if you need to talk, I'm always here for you."

"There's some things I can't tell you." It was a mistake to say that and I know it by the way Luke grabs my arms tightly and forces me to look at him.

"Then tell someone! It doesn't have to be me. I just feel like I'm losing my twin and I can't do anything to stop it."

"You're not losing me, Luke." I shoot him a fake smile. I'm already lost, so it's kind of true. Honestly, that's all I even feel anymore. Lost.

"Yes, I am!" Luke argued back, surprising me. "You're even constantly giving me those fake smiles. I hate that I can't do anything, but I can't if you won't let me in. It kills me to see you like this, but I don't know what to do."

"You- you're being delusional, Luke. I'm perfectly fine." I try to assure him but failed to again.

"If you're fine, then why are you crying?" What. I lift up a hand and touch my face. Sure enough, my hand came back wet with tears. I hadn't even realized I was crying. Everything was just becoming too much for me. I felt even more hot tears rush down my face as I thought about how Luke suddenly seemed like he cared. I didn't know how to deal with this. It also seemed like all I ever do anymore is cry. I quickly wiped the tears off of my face.

"I'm fine, Luke. You don't have to worry about me."

"Normally I wouldn't, but it's just so obvious you're struggling that I have to worry. Now, I'm even more worried because I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself if I leave you alone and I hate that."

I couldn't say anything in response to that.

-

"Jai, we need to talk." Beau left no room to argue. I knew that Luke would probably feel him about what happened, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. He could have at least given me a chance to prepare for Beau's wrath.

"Sure, what were you wanting to talk about?" I ask, deciding to play innocent.

"You know exactly what I want to talk about." Beau stated, knowing that I was pretending not to know.

"I swear I have no clue, Beau." I smiled up at him from where I was sitting on my bed. He growled in frustration at my response.

"Luke told me he caught you looking up ways to hurt yourself." Beau stated bluntly. "I'll be honest with you Jai, you say stuff that terrifies me sometimes and I don't handle it well. This, on the other hand, can't be let go."

"Sure it can!" I said cheerfully, "You could just walk out that door and pretend you don't know anything."

"You're really not helping, Jai." Beau glared at me. "If you're planning on hurting yourself, I need to know. We could get you help if you need it. We could-"

"I'm fine Beau! I'm not crazy and I don't need help!" I snapped at him. I couldn't believe my brother thought I was crazy.

"I didn't say you were. I just think you're severely depressed and we need to do something about it. You were looking up self harm, Jai. Do you even realize what could have happened if Luke hadn't of found out?"

"I wasn't going to actually do it!" I shouted. "I was just curious about it! Okay? So just calm down already."

"Jai there's something really wrong with you, but you won't tell anyone. We can all see you're struggling. Why don't you just let us help you?"


	7. Chapter 7

"Jai! Wake up. Jai!" I felt someone shaking me and groaned, turning over to find a face identical to my own. 

"Luke! What do you want? I'm trying to sleep!" I groaned. Luke was always interrupting my sleep.

"I had a nightmare....can I sleep with you?" Luke whimpered. I silently rolled over so he would have space to lie down. I could never tell Luke no when he was distressed. In that way, I was still over-protective of him even though I've tried to change that lately.

Luke immediately crawled into my bed and cuddled up into me. He was shaking so bad that I was starting to become worried. Just how bad was his dream?

"Are you okay, Luke?" I asked, growing concerned.

"M'fine. I just had a nightmare. You hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. You even told me you didn't love me anymore." Luke whimpered. "It just hurt so much because it seemed so real. You've been really mad at me lately and I don't know what I did wrong. Plus, you just seem really sad and you won't tell me what's wrong. Is it something I did Jai? Please tell me so I can fix it."

"I just..." my voice hitched, "it's nothing. It's stupid and it doesn't really matter anymore."

"I'm sure it's not stupid. Plus, if it didn't matter, than it wouldn't affect you this much." Luke reasoned and I could feel my resolve breaking. Should I tell him?

"It's just...i feel like no one loves me. Or even cares about me. I feel like I care about you, Beau, and Daniel so much, but you guys practically hate me." I decided to come clean.

"What?" Luke sat up. "You've been feeling alone and unloved for months and we never noticed?"

"Yeah." I answer shortly, still not entirely sure if telling him was the best idea.

"Jai, look at me." Luke ordered. "You have to know that I love you. Beau loves you, even Daniel loves you. I don't know what happened to make you feel like that, but you're wrong about everything."

"I had a concussion and you didn't even notice or care enough to check on me." I felt tears start to brim at my eyes, "I care so much about you, Luke, and you get mad at me every time I try to see if you're okay. I feel like I can't even talk to you about anything because you'll get angry with me or ignore me."

"Jai," Luke snapped, "You can always talk to me, about anything. I have no idea why you thought otherwise."

"Do you remember Daniel laughing about the fact that I, so over-protective of you, but you couldn't care less about me? He was only joking but it made me realize some things. You don't care, Luke. I got a concussion that same day and you ended up slapping me because I thought you were drowning in the pool."

"Jai-"

"Just save it, Luke. You can sleep here if you want to, but just leave me alone. I can't deal with this right now." By the end of our small discussion we were both crying but Luke let me drop the conversation. Of course he did. There's a difference between loving someone out of obligation and actually caring about them. 

-

"Hey Buddy." Beau smiled at me with sad eyes. I swear, does Luke tell him everything?

"Just get it over with, Beau." I sighed.

"You don't think I love you?" Beau asked carefully.

"Not really, but I'm okay with that now. It's not a big deal. I'll be able to cope some way." I was sick of playing games with my brothers. I'm fine with the way things are now. After I finally told Luke how I felt, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It made me realize that I was okay before, so I should be okay now.

"Jai. I love you so much. You're my baby brother and I just want you to be happy again." Again with the happiness! I'm sick of them trying to fix me. I'm fine the way I am now.

"Just because you say something, doesn't make it true." I've had enough and I'm sick of lying. They want me to let them in? Then I'll let them in full force.

"What am I supposed to say?" Beau asked, exasperated.

"You know what, Beau? I am depressed. I am." I chuckled darkly. "Im so depressed that I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm always making you angry with my attitude, but what did you say last time? Oh yeah! I'm nothing but a selfish jerk. I guess you're right, Beau. I am pretty selfish. I mean really who gets depressed over something as trivial as feeling unloved and alone and having no one to turn to when you're sick of life?" I was out of breath by the time my rant was over. Beau was about to say something back to me but then his eyes widened and glanced behind me.

"Luke..." Beau let out. Wow. He was talking to me, yet he's more concerned with Luke. I decided to turn around anyway and let my twin know I was aware of his presence, but I was shocked to see a look of utter horror plastered all over his face.

"Jai...you don't...you don't really mean all of that do you?" Luke asked, shocked at my outburst.

"I do. I'm sick of pretending that everything is perfectly fine. I'm sick of pretending I'm okay. I'm not okay at all and I can't keep doing this anymore!" I cried. Everything was just too intense and I could feel myself starting to panic again, but I forced it down. I needed to get this off my chest. "I feel like you two don't appreciate me at all. It's almost like I'm just here to make Luke look better since I'm such a failure most of the time."

"Jai, you need to calm down." Luke said slowly, like he was talking to a wild animal.

"No! You need to listen to me!" I screamed. "I'm sick of this. You never listen to me. You just ignore me and act like I'm a burden. I'm sorry I wasn't the brother you wanted, but I'm what you got!" I was going to scream some more, but I started hyperventilating before I could even try to. I can't breathe and they're just staring at me like they don't know me.

"Jai. Can you hear me?" I suddenly hear Luke ask me as he crouched down in front of me. That's funny, when did I get on the floor? "I need you to breathe for me, Jai-Jai. Okay? Do it like this." He started to rub my arms and show me how he wanted me to breathe. It took what felt like forever, but I was finally able to control my breathing again. I was kind of shaky and scared, but that was a whole lot better than not being able to breathe.

"Since when are you prone to panic attacks?" Beau randomly asked.

"Y-years. Usually l-lock myself in my room and deal with them alone." I manage to force out.

"How can you deal with them when you can't even breathe properly?" Beau asked annoyingly.

"J-just let myself pass out."

"Jai." Luke's voice broke and he started hugging me again. "I don't care how long it takes, but I'm going to show you that you aren't alone anymore. I love you and I care, so I'm going to do whatever it takes to help you!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to cut instead of writing this, but I chose to write this chapter instead...

I haven't left my room for two days. That was when I decided to open up to my brother's and tell them everything. It was a mistake because they did not react well and it resulted in me having a huge panic attack and Luke vowing to help me. 

I don't really want Luke's help. It kind of feels like I'm forcing him. He never cared before, so why does he suddenly care so much now? I'm so confused and that frustrates me.

On top of that, I'm feeling more lost than ever. Luke once told me that he felt like he was losing his twin. Well, looks like he was right. I'm so sad right now that I don't know what else to do. I'm just laying on my bed, drowning out the world around me.

I never want to leave my room ever again, but at the same time I know that I'll have to eventually. It's just that my brothers know now. I never wanted that to happen. Why should I become even more of a burden than I already am?

Knock. Knock.

"Jai, are you going to stay locked in there forever?" I hear my Town's voice ring out after someone knocked twice on my door. I just buried my face in my knees, not able to form a response. I'm too upset right now and nothing can fix that.

"Jai, please! If you won't come out, at least let me in!" Luke tried again. I frowned. Should I? If I do he might leave me alone to wallow in my misery. I stood up and slowly unlocked the door before returning to lie on my bed. Luke, having heard the lock click, burst into my room as soon as he could.

"Jai?" He questioned and I turned my head to look at him. "Are you okay? You've been locked in here for two days now..."

I just shrugged at him.

"Why aren't you talking to me? Are you mad at me? Please say something, Jai!" Luke begged.

I just shrugged at him again.

"Jai!" Luke screamed.

"M'fine." I whispered. Luke looked at me in disbelief. 3...2....

"There's no way you're fine. You've locked yourself in your room for two days straight! That isn't healthy, and you've barely said one word to me to top it off."

"I.." I started to say who knows what. I don't really know how to respond. I just feel so depressed that I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

"You what, Jai? Talk to me." Luke said in desperation. 

"I don't know!" I screamed and started pulling my hair in frustration. "I don't know, Luke! I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to stay in here and not deal with everything."

"Why?" Luke was seriously pushing my buttons. I kept on pulling my hair, trying to keep myself sane.

"Because!" I know I probably seemed crazy at this point. "I never wanted you guys to know! I'm pathetic for being this sad just because I felt unloved...just so pathetic..."

"You're not pathetic, Jai." Luke said slowly. "You're feelings matter. I know you don't view the way you feel as important, but it's so important. It's my fault for letting it go this far. It was supposed to be Luke and Jai against the world, but I...I let you down big time. I left you all alone and now you're a shell of the you I know. I've lost you and I don't know what to do."

"Luke-" I start, but Luke interrupted me.

"Don't you dare say that you're fine, because we both know you're not!"

"Okay I'm not." I admit. "I'm sad and I can't bring myself to trust anyone anymore. The worst part is that I'm breaking on the inside and it's slowly killing me."

"Jai, why don't you let me help you?" Luke begged.

"Because it's too late for that...I'm too far gone."

"No. You're not, Jai." Luke stared me deeply in the eyes. "I think you want help, but you've just been alone for too long and now you don't know how to accept it."

"I-" I couldn't finish what I was saying. I dropped my head in my hands with a heavy sigh. I don't think that Luke CAN help me at this point. I feel like I'm falling into a deep abyss and that I have no way out. Luke can't save me. I know he can't. 

"Please Jai?" I stared deeply into Luke's eyes. Mirror images of my own, yet so different at the same time. I could see exactly what he was feeling reflected back at me. Intense worry and grief. Deep hurt and self hatred for not noticing anything sooner.

"Ok." I hold my breathe as he suddenly attacked me in a hug. That's weird in itself. Luke doesn't usually hug me if he doesn't have to.

"You won't regret this, Jai. I'm here for you now. So, I want to hear every bad thought you think from now on. I know you're very vulnerable and filled with insecurity right now, but trust me on the fact that I'm going to change that!"

What have I gotten myself into?!


	9. Chapter 9

I've been doing a little bit better since I let Luke in, but I still can't help but think that maybe I'm forcing him. I know he's already stressed out enough as it is from having to edit all of our videos, but now he has to deal with me too. What's even worse is that now he freaks out every time I even try to lock myself in my room.

I don't understand why the change happened, but somehow Luke became more protective of me. I'm grateful for it, but I just feel like he's doing it out of obligation. If I hadn't of been depressed then he would have never started caring. 

I let out a sigh and logged onto my Twitter account. It was time to finally look up the hashtag the fans made about me. #FixJai.

It was horrible. It was like the fans were trying their hardest to see something wrong. Then, there were the haters. The things I read left me in tears, but I was strong so I could take it. I stood up in frustration. I needed to get away for the day or I was going to go crazy. I quickly walked over to Luke's room, planning on dragging him out with me.

"Hey Luke? Do you-" I call opening the door, but stop myself when I see him sleeping on his bed. I sighed. I knew he was tired. He was constantly worried about me and he had to edit all of our videos. One person could only take so much, and I know that I was a big job to handle. I was being so difficult when I didn't need to be. I gently closed his door and decided to leave on my own. A day at the beach was all I needed and I would be good. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I decided to sneak past Beau and Daniel because Beau was literally the last person I wanted to talk to. He tries to understand but then he loses it when he doesn't. It makes things extremely awkward for us and I don't know how to handle it. Luke's really the only one who's ever come close to understanding me, but even he can't even begin to understand what goes through my head. Maybe that's why I've always been so over-protective of him. He's the only person that actually can get that close to me without growing frustrated when they don't see things the way I do. It's also probably why it bothered me so much when I finally realized he didn't care.

Luke is essentially my life-line. If I didn't have him in my life, I wouldn't know what to do. It's sad but it's true. I should be my own person, but I'm only ever seen as an extension of Luke. 

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't realized I had already made it to the beach. The ocean was of course beautiful today and I could already feel my panicked thoughts starting to calm down.

I sat in the sand instantly and just basked in the warm air and salty ocean breeze. Today was going to be fun. I just knew it. Nothing mattered today and I was going to make the most of it. Nothing could ruin this day.

It didn't occur to me that I left my phone at home.

-

"Where were you!?" Beau roared as soon as I stepped inside later that night. I looked down at my soaked clothing and ruffled my salty hair. 

"The beach..." I was confused. I was only gone for a few hours and they could have always called me if they needed me.

"The beach. Really, Jai? Who goes to the beach alone? Plus, that's no excuse not to answer your phone!" Beau shouted.

"What are you talking about. I never got any calls." I answered back angry at Beau for even starting this argument.

"That's because you left it here." Luke piped up from the corner of the room he was hidden in. He held my phone up like evidence and I rolled my eyes.

"This isn't funny Jai. Nobody knew where you were and you haven't been the happiest person lately so-" I cut him off before he could finish. 

"You thought I was going to off myself?" I was angry at even the assumption. "Really Beau? God forbid Jai actually enjoys a nice day!"

"Jai..." Beau whispered clearly offended. His eyes looked sad but I couldn't bring myself to care. I'm sick of everyone acting like I'm so fragile that I'm going to go off the deep end at any moment. 

"No!" I yelled. "I'm sick of this, Beau. You think you know me so well, but you don't know me at all. If you did, you would know that I would never do something like that. I wouldn't even consider it. I used to think you tried to understand but now I guess not." I turned and immediately stomped to my room. I physically could not take another second of being in the same room as Beau. I still can't believe he would even consider something like that. It hurt just thinking about how little he thought of me.

Luke came in a few minutes later, much to my surprise. I readied myself for him to start yelling at me for being so stupid, but was surprised when he just sat on my bed and gestured for me to join him.

"You know Beau loves you, right Jai? That's the only reason he acts the way he does." Luke starts. He gave me a chance to respond but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Beau doesn't love me. He doesn't love me at all. Luke smiled grimly, almost like he knew what I was thinking. 

"I don't really feel like talking right now, Luke."

"Oh well, you're going to." Luke's words shocked me. He couldn't force me to talk to him. "The last few months have been horrible on all of us. I don't really understand completely why you think we don't love you, Jai. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever understand that one. But, despite that, whatever is going on has to stop because we're running out of options. You can't just go running off by yourself all day without telling someone. Something could of seriously happened to you and-"

"I didn't want to wake you." I cut Luke off and his eyes widen at the confession.

"What?" Luke was obviously confused.

"I wanted to take you with me, but you were sleeping so peacefully and I didn't want to wake you up. I know I've been a huge burden lately so I just wanted to let you sleep." I rushed out.

"Jai, you're not a burden."

"Of course I am. You don't need to lie to me, Luke." I looked away unable to take the look he was giving me.

"Jai, I just want you to not be sad anymore. You're not a burden because all I want is my brother back."


	10. Chapter 10

"Well, maybe I don't want to come back!" I yelled before I could stop myself. Luke stared at me like I had just shot him. I guess I had with words. 

"I thought that the reason you became depressed in the first place was because you thought I didn't care." Luke argued. 

"It's not exactly because of that. It's really not that simple." I chuckled humorlessly. Did Luke really think that I only wanted attention? "Do you know what it's like to feel alone, Luke? Or what about what's it's like when you just feel so empty inside that you don't know what to Do? How about when you try your hardest to show your family how much you care about them and they just treat you like a waste of space?"

"No..." Luke shook his head.

"Well, that's how I feel everyday. I feel like I'm worthless and like I have no one to really rely on. Every time I even try to rely on you or Beau, it just comes back to bite me in the end." I admit to my twin. 

"Jai, I don't understand." Luke's words crashed down around me. Of course he didn't understand. He never would. I smiled grimly at him.

"Of course you don't. I didn't think you would."

"Then make me understand. What do you mean every time you rely on me or beau, it comes back to bite you? You can tell me anything, Jai."

"Can I?" I asked sarcastically, "Because whenever I do, you either don't care or get mad at me. How's that being able to talk to you?"

"What are you talking about? You never talk to me anymore." Luke was genuinely confused. I looked at him. He really believed that and it broke me inside. We may have almost the same face, but we are nothing alike. 

"That's because I gave up talking to you a long time ago!" I yelled. It was the truth. I learned a long time ago that I was alone. Growing up, every time I even tried to talk to Luke about something he would always get mad at me or act like my problems were stupid. 

"Jai..."

"Just save it Luke!"

I stormed out of the room before he could stop me. It was always like this. Luke would never understand. He seemed like he was trying to now, but I knew that was too good to be true. Luke has never, not even once, tried to understand me.

I really don't know what had brought on the sudden change with both my brothers. Luke is suddenly trying to understand me and Beau is suddenly worried about my safety. The two of them have basically ignored my well- being for years, so it just doesn't make sense.

"Beau?" I called and he came running down the stairs. "I'm going to go stay with a friend tonight."

"What?! Why?" He started to look angry, but I didn't care. 

"Because I can't deal with this right now. Go ask Luke if you want a real answer." I was out the door before he could say anything else. I realized that this was petty and kind of like I was running away, but I didn't know what else to do. I drove up to the nearest hotel. I couldn't really spend the night at a friend's house. Me and Luke basically had the same friends, so it was kind of hard to stay with any of them. They all liked Luke better, anyway. 

Once I got a room from the very rude receptionist, I made my way up. I flopped down on the big bed and let my tears slip down my face. I had been holding them back this whole time, but now I couldn't do it anymore.

Everything was beginning to be too much. I know that my brothers were trying now, but I kind of felt like it was too late for that now. It was like they were only trying because the felt like they had to and not because they truly wanted to. I knew that I wasn't good enough, so I just wish they would stop already. 

I checked my phone to see if I had any missed calls or texts from my brothers. Nothing. I knew they didn't really care. I grabbed the room service menu and the room phone and ordered a bottle of tequila. I just needed to forget and drown away my sorrows.

After I was IDd and I got the bottle I began taking gulp after gulp of the burning liquid. I began to feel all of my worries fade away and become seemingly nothing. I don't know why I hadn't tried to drown my sorrows sooner. This felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I practically couldn't even feel the burn anymore, either. If Luke could see me now....

I decided to call my twin brother and give him a piece of my mind. I pulled out my phone and pulled up 'Lukey'. It rang once. Twice. Three times. Finally he picked up.

"What do you want, Jai!" He groaned out and it suddenly dawned on me that it was nearly 4 AM.

"Lukey!" I heard myself slur. "I-I want you to know what's I really think of you!"

"Jai?" Luke asked slowly, "Are you drunk?"

"Nah." I denied. "I just want you to know something."

"J-" Luke started but I cut him off.

"No, Lukey! I want you to listen to me for once!" I yelled through my phone. "I'm s-so sick of this. You never listen to me. One of the reasons I hate you, Lukey. You think just because you're the better twin that you can just ignore me, but that's not true. It's not true!" 

"Jai-Jai, where are you?" I heard Luke ask as I started to cry. 

"The hotel off third street." I managed to choke out. "But I'm not done yet! I want to be done, but I can't. Are you listening to me Lukey!?"

"Yeah, I'm listening, Jai."

"Good, that's a first. I hate how you never realize how much I hate life, too. You, Beau, and Daniel are perfectly happy. I don't really understand it, but I know I'm not happy. Not happy at all. Kind of like I'm drowning and can't get out. But you wouldn't understand Lukey. You never understand. I know you feel like you have some obligation to help me, but just forget about it. You don't have to force yourself anymore. I know I'm nothing special and I should just leave while I still can, but the thought of leaving scares me...." I trailed off when I heard my room door opening. I looked up to see Luke coming towards me.

"Come here, Jai." Luke whispered and pulled me into a hug. I didn't want him hugging me. It wasn't real. It was just an obligation to him. I started crying even harder and Luke shot me a pain-filled look. 

"No, don't touch me!" I tried to get him off but I was too drunk to force him off. Instead, I found myself clutching his shirt and crying my heart out into his shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, Jai. It will be okay." Luke whispered as he rubbed comforting circles into my back. I don't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the line, I blacked out.


	11. Chapter 11

Hey guys go check out my new story If he only knew. I think it's better than this one so check it out.

 

I woke up to what might have been the worst hangover of my life. My head was absolutely pounding and the sunlight seemed so intense. I quickly say up and immediately regretted it because I could feel the bile rushing up my throat. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. I was surprised when I felt hands on my back supporting me. 

Once I finished vomiting, the hands guided me back to lean against the shower. I looked up and was able to make out Luke's face. The memories of last night suddenly came rushing back to me.

"You look pathetic." Luke chuckled as he moved to sit on the floor next to me.

"Glad someone is enjoying this." I grumbled.

"Well, that's what you get for drinking a whole bottle of tequila."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time." I reasoned.

"I bet." Luke chuckled and handed me a few pills. "Here take these for your headache."

"Kay." I swallowed the pills he gave me dry and then leaned my head on his shoulder. I felt absolutely terrible.

"We need to talk." Luke suddenly started speaking out of nowhere. "About last night."

"Please have mercy."

"No can do, brother." Luke laughed before becoming serious. "I need you to really listen to what I'm about to tell you. Okay?"

I nodded my head and immediately regretted it.

"You're not just an obligation to me. I want to help you because you're my little brother and I love you."

"It's only by two minutes." I groaned.

"Doesn't matter. I'm still older." He argued. "Anyways, I care about you even if I haven't always done a good job at showing it. And Jai? You don't really think I'm the better twin, do you?"

"Yes I do." I answered honestly before biting my lip. "Everyone knows you're better than me, Luke."

"But I'm not at all." Luke chuckles darkly. "I was blind to the fact that my brother was in so much pain without me ever realizing it. I don't care how good of an actor you are, I should have noticed something was off about you."

"Thanks, Luke." I whispered sincerely.

"You're welcome. Now, let's get home before Beau has a heart attack."  
-  
I returned home with Luke that morning to find a very livid Beau. He was in the middle of yelling at me, but I interrupted him by hugging him like I'll never see him again.

"I'm sorry, Beau." I apologized to my oldest brother. I shot him big puppy dog eyes and smiled when he sighed in defeat.

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't ever do that to me again." 

"I promise."

\- 

I still felt broken inside, but I think I'm slowly healing. It's just really hard. One minute I'm sitting happily with my brothers and the next I'm wondering if I'm really good enough. Can I ever truly be happy if I don't deserve it?

Who knows.

I spent the next few weeks trying to appear happier than I truly am. I'm almost positive that nobody suspects a thing and it kind of hurts, in a way. I don't really understand why I'm sad anymore. My brothers started caring and that's all I ever really wanted. Still, I feel empty, almost like something is missing. 

I don't regret drunkenly opening up to Luke that night. He's really helped me in ways he'll never know. Ways I could never tell him. I can never tell him just how truly broken I was. It would only crush him knowing that it was partly his fault.

As I'm dwelling on all of these things, I don't notice my door open or Luke slip inside. I tug at my hair stressfully because of all of these thoughts going through my head. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I thought I was getting better, but now I just feel like I'm even more broken than I was before.

"Jai?" Luke's concerned voice rang through my room. My head shot up in surprise at his voice and I quickly put my hands in my lap.

"Oh hey, Luke." I greeted my twin. I showed off a big smile, but the look on his face told me he wasn't going to fall for it so easily this time. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, staring me in the eyes.

"Yeah I'm fine Luke. Don't worry so much." I couldn't make eye contact with him because then he'd know I was lying and that I wasn't okay at all.

"You're not fine at all." He argued. 

"What? Of course I am!" 

"Jai, I thought we talked about this." Luke sounded betrayed. Honestly, I had betrayed him to an extent. I had started lying to him again. Twins shouldn't lie to each other, but that was exactly what I was doing.

"It's just.....I" I struggled to find the right words. "I still feel empty inside and I'm struggling to not drown again."

"What do you mean by drown?" Luke was confused. I began growing frustrated but I tried again.

"Sometimes when someone gets so sad they let those negative emotions consume them, Luke. It's like you're trapped inside those feelings and you can't escape. Then, you just get dragged further and further down until finally you can't escape and you're drowning in those feelings." I quickly explained. Luke looked like he was mulling my words over.

"And you're drowning?" Luke asked. He had a distant look in his eyes. It's the one he gets whenever he's thinking too hard about something.

"Yes." I confirmed quietly.

"Well, how do I save you?" He asked childishly.

"At this point I don't think you can save me. I'm probably already too far gone for that."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! Thanks to everyone for reading!

"C'mon, Jai. Let's be honest here." Luke sighed, "I know I haven't always been there for you in the past, but that's going to change right now." 

"No-" I started but Luke cut me off. I didn't need his pity.

"Just listen to me Jai!" He snapped, causing my mouth to slam shut. "I know I've been a terrible brother. A terrible twin, but I just want you to trust me again. We used to be so close. It was to the point that I told you all of my secrets, but now we don't even talk. This can't keep happening. I know I've already lost you, but maybe I can fix that. No. I have to fix that. You're more important to me than anything else, and I'm sorry I've let you down."

"You're not a terrible twin, Luke." I whispered.

"Don't deny it Jai. I know it's true." He shot back.

"It's not true!" I shouted. "I'm the terrible twin. I haven't even been honest with you. The only time I can actually talk to you is when I'm drunk, and that's worse than what you've done."

"Alright, then tell me now." Luke smiled lightly at me. Could I tell him everything? He'd hate me for sure! I can't. That's what I tell myself, but he just looks so hopeful. I know I have to tell him. I have to do it now.

"I hate myself." I put it simply.

"Jai..."

"No, don't interrupt me!" I screamed. "I hate myself so much. I wish I could be like you, but I can't. But it's just not that. Everyone likes you more than me. Beau. Daniel. Mum. I'm just the twin that was an unplanned accident. It's my fault though. Everything that comes out of my mouth is stupid, and I can tell that I annoy people with just my presence. I don't try to, but it happens. Then one day, I noticed that my twin brother doesn't care about me nearly as much as I care about him, so I started attention-seeking because it killed me on the inside knowing how little I matter. Once I realized how I was acting I started having panic attacks again, because I just don't know how to speak with anything or anyone anymore and I just want everything to stop!" By the time my little spill was over Luke's eyes had a new look to them.

"Jai come here." Luke said hugging me to him. I didn't understand why he was suddenly hugging me. I just told him how much of an awful person I truly am. He should be wanting nothing to do with me, not hugging me.

"Why are you hugging me?" I couldn't help but ask.

"I want to." Luke smiled again, but this time it was a sad smile. "Because my twin just told me about all of the pain and misery he's feeling inside. He told me about all of the lies he feeds himself and now I just want you hug him, because I know that those are nothing but lies. I know that I love him even though he can't seem to love himself."

"Luke, I'm not worth your love." I cried into his shoulder. 

"But you are, you prove that everyday." Luke argued. "You're a good person, Jai. You just lost yourself in your misery. I understand why you started seeking my attention. Everyone ignored you and made you feel the way you did, and I really can't blame you for getting upset about it. I don't know anyone who wouldn't get upset about that. I'm going to help you though. I know your sad right now, but things will get better."

"How do you know things will get better, Luke? What happens if they don't?" I asked.

"Because I'm two minutes older!" Luke said sarcastically making me smack him in the back of the head. "Really, though. Things will get better. Now, you have a twin brother that is determined to murder anyone who hurts you or makes you feel unloved. Oh. And he's also ready to shower you in his love everyday if that's what it takes to get through to you."

I smiled. We may have had major differences, but I now knew I could count on Luke when it really mattered. I also felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders by just this one conversation I had with him.

Luke was my rock. As long as I had him, then I would be okay. I know that I'll still get sad and yell at him from time to time, but we're brothers and what brothers get along 100% of the time?

I was lost, but Luke had found me. More importantly, he had helped me to find myself again. It was a long, winding road to recovery, but I knew that with Luke's support it would be one I could and would make whether I liked it or not.


End file.
